Makes things easier if both are pure or both are messy, if both are in the time people are late or both people. Physical attraction is also very important. It's great if they have common values around money and spending.
However, a couple can have all this and still do not have a love relationship, if an item is located. Without this essential ingredient, all the other wonderful attributes will not be enough to make the relationship work.
This essential ingredient is about intention.
At any given time, each of us is engaged in one of two different intentions: to control or to learn. When our intent is to control our deepest motivation is to have control over getting love, avoiding pain and sense of security. When our intention is to learn, our deepest motivation is to learn about being loving to ourselves and others.
The motivation to get love rather than loving can create havoc within a relationship.
Let's look at a typical theme of relationship and see what happens with respect to two different intentions. Jason and Samantha are feeling emotionally distant from each other, and have not had sex in a month. The problem began when Samantha said she wanted to take an expensive vacation and Jason objected. Samantha was angry, Jason gave way, and they have been distant ever since.
Samantha's intention was to have control over getting what he wanted. She equates love with an expensive holiday - if Jason does it for her, then he shows his love for her. She used her anger as a way to have control over getting what you want. She wants to feel special control over Jason.
Jason's intention is to avoid pain. He gave Samantha does not have control over being angry with him. Is expected to give Samantha what she wants, she will see it as a good and loving husband.
However, because both Jason and Samantha were trying to control each other instead of loving themselves and each other, their interaction creates emotional distance.
What it would have looked like if his intention had been to learn?
If the intention had been to learn of Samantha, she would not have become angry. Instead, she would have wanted to understand the objections of Jason. If the intention had been to learn from Jason, he would not have given himself. Instead, I would have wanted to understand why this holiday was particularly important for Samantha.
Both Samantha and Jason would have been taking care of themselves and each other, instead of wanting to get love or avoid pain. In their mutual exploration of why each felt the way they did, they have learned what they had to learn - about themselves and each other - to reach a win-win solution. Instead of Samantha ostensibly winning and losing Jason, they have come up with something both of them could live.
With a little exploration of their financial fears, Jason could have decided that Samantha wanted vacation would be nice. To understand the financial concerns of Jason, Samantha might have decided on a cheaper holiday. In any case, both of them have felt really good about the result.
No matter how much Jason and Samantha have in common or are attracted to each other, love diminish when their intention is to control rather than learning. It's amazing how quickly the love fades when one or both spouses are intended to control. It is equally amazing how quickly becomes when both parties intend to learn.
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